Dreams Are Scary
I have a good reason for sleeping at 4a.m.
Every single day since the disconnection.
When I close my eyes, I see him. I see his face, I feel him with me, I hear his voice, and I am able to be my Old Self with him. I talk to him, I am able to express my feelings to him, to tell him I am sorry and that everything will be okay. That I will make up for each moment when I had hurt him. And that I love him with all my life.
And in my dream, he accepted me, he gave both of us another try. Ever since then, I have been making up every single moment I had lost with him....In my dream. It;s been a month I've been dreaming about him. It's like another life I have, especially with him.
Alas I am afraid to dwell deeper into my fantasy. Why? Because I would never want to wake up. It's scary to think that you wish your dream is your reality, and your reality as your dream, your nightmare.
I can't say I am living in a nightmare, but it sure feels like it especially when you long for something that isn't there.
When you know everything is better and brighter in your dream, and that you wish it would miraculously happen in reality.
Every time I wake up, I feel my heart sink. For the reason, before I wake up, I say goodbye to him. I literally say "Hey love,I think I'm gonna wake up soon. I have to go. I love you, thank you for today." And that's the end of it. That is when I end my day in my sweet dream and I just wake up realising that I'm being forced back into reality. As I said my heart sinks every time. And sometimes I just cry and force myself back to sleep. It seldom works. Very seldom.
But today, something felt different. He cried in my dream. I don't know why.Not the baby type, just....crying.
And I forced myself not to wake up so that I could console him. To let him know I'm there and to let him know I love him.
And it worked. These were one of the rarest times I could control myself not to wake up. It's amazing.
In the end he calmed down, he fell asleep in my arms. When I said I loved him, he hugged me and said he loved me too. I kissed his head, said goodbye...and woke up.
And guess what? I cried. I cried for him. For the reality that set in. It was kind of overwhelming.
Anyway I knew it was just a dream, and he would feel the exact opposite of what I'm feeling now. The longing wouldn't be there.
But I still go on with my day, I still want to let go. It's almost a month. And the pain is still there. It didn't go away.
Do you believe in a situation where you still love someone like crazy even though they hurt you and left you?
I mean not like an after effect...but like a permanent feeling.
Yea, that's me alright. It is the hardest thing. And I just feel that it wasn't suppose to end like this. I have said, that the worst thing he could do to hurt me, is to leave me.
And I have proved my statement.
I lost almost everything I cherished. Except God of course.
I do not want to lose the person I love most too. Him and no one else.
It is a selfish feeling. That's why I'm keeping it here.
But everyday, I wish I could tell him that I love him. Everyday I regret what I've done, even though I know it's temporary.
I am scared. To lose him completely. I need the chance so bad, that I am praying so hard everyday to God, if it is not Your will, help me let it go.
He asks me to wait. So I wait...
I pray and I wait. And I wish and hope my dream would become a reality. And my reality? Becomes my dream.
Dreams are scary.
Dreams makes you do things you don't want to do.
Dreams make you go further,
Even though it's no use.
I love you Lord,
I love you.
