❝Step by Step, Time will Tell ❞
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▸ A New Feel... ... ♬
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
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My Perplexity...
Confusion meets my eye,
Yes or nix?
What do you see in me?
This adolescent, who’s virtue,
Has been thieved long ago.
Why? And how? And when?
Variety awaits you,
Yet it is me you choose.
Which part of me, did it strike your heart?
My diffidence is strong,
My self posture, weak and feeble.
Questions continue to reside in me,
Am I of any worth to you?
What if my appearance were to be dissimilar?
What if my traits were to be of not your favor?
What if I were to jest and wear a mask?
A mask so thick, you will never see,
Daylight in me ever again.
Fear and doubt mock me,
To not give in to you,
Yet is it something else, that presages me,
Of not to give in too?
I am afraid of your stance,
You may seem wiser,
And I , just a mere child.
I fear your rejection,
I fear your refusal,
I fear your distaste,
I fear your change in mind.
Queries and unknowns,
How amusing can they be?
My mind, so full of reflections,
Yet, you seem to seal them all.
So many doubts,
So many uncertainties,
So many suspicions,
Of reasons to prefer me.
Oh but how I feel for you,
For I have never felt so sheltered,
For I have never felt so full,
Full to my desire’s brim.
But the danger I seek,
Seems too much to bear,
For I am frightened,
Of what lies behind this tempting wall.
I have no hammer to make it crumble,
For I fear you are too strong,
Too sturdy for your own good,
And too risky for my own.
How I wish, how I wonder,
If my appearance I shant make alluring,
And my behavior I shant make pleasant!
Alas, I cannot make it so,
For it would seem uncouth to you,
And that is not of my desire.
So I ask you again,
Why do you seek me?
With all that is laid in front of you,
Why do you perceive me?
Why do you discern this girl,
Who is of no exception,
To the world around her.
Tell me my dear,
Would you linger for me?
Would you fight your own fight?
Or would you move on,
If you do not acquire,
What you have been yearning for?
Disclaimer: Happy Blessed 2012 everyone!
So this blog has been dead for awhile, albeit I'm ever glad to revive it. :)
I never posted any of my poems on this site, so you could say this would be my first and my last.
I have derived this poem from my other site here: http://hopeliveloveforgod.blogspot.com/2012/01/new-feel.html
And also derived from my ever confused thoughts. Haha. I hope you had a great new year dear reader.
Till then, enjoy and God bless. :)Labels: Confusion, happiness, hurt, uncertainty
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▸ We do what we Can do, We keep what we can keep.. ... ♬
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
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Laugh, Smile, Feel Free
Lesson 1: Think and Feel
I'm not going to lie to you. I am not the most..."Sanguin-ish" person you can find in the world. Frankly I'm quite the opposite... A Choleric-Melancholy. Haha, I'm the sort of the person who normally thinks the glass is half empty. I know...pessimists can never really go far. I don't know, you be the judge. (Check out Personality Plus to find out what I'm talking about)
Anyway,I'm just about realising that little things in life actually make a lot of difference in anyway you want to believe in. All in all, the mind is the most prominent part of how we react to things and how we feel about things. In a way it is comforting to think that we have full control over the thoughts and feelings we have and how we act upon it. I recently went for a talk last Monday, during the hari raya haji holiday. And I got some clarity on how we must differentiate what our minds and our hearts are trying to tell us.
Sometimes we think too much thus resolving into not doing what our hearts want us to do. We tend to avoid the risks that we must take and subsequently our hearts would also start to ache due to the fact that its need is not being fulfilled.
Frankly, it's all in the mind. The mind graces us with logical yet unnecessary scenarios that directly or indirectly affects our well being.
The heart is mainly trying to win a constant battle against our stubborn and scathy mind.
I for one think too much. I run all over the place trying to THINK of what I am suppose to say. In a sense I beat around the bush.
But the thing about the heart... To speak from the heart is mainly what we FEEL of what we're suppose to say instead.
We don't think. Nor do we stumble or stutter. When we speak from the heart we may find that very few words are needed to be said. The expression itself says it all. We do not justify what we say. We do not beat around the bush. We don't run from what we are trying to express to the person. It comes out naturally. Because it's what we Feel. Sincere feelings sometimes maybe hard or embarrassing to let out. It may offend or make the other person feel uncomfortable. Ah but, I'll stop here. You know why?
What I say now comes from my mind. I THINK that person is going to feel awkward or uncomfortable. I THINK that expressing my sincere feelings maybe hard or embarrassing to let out.
But honestly...I would never know until I do it.
'Cause we don't speak for the other person. We can't tell what he or she is feeling.
Alas the mind can be so logical and sly that these thoughts seem like the best possible outcome for what we are suppose to do. It makes Mr. Fear creep into our doubtful hearts and minds.
Expressing something is a very powerful thing. It may show that the person is very strong and/or it may show a speck or a vast ocean of vulnerability. Judgement, unfortunately, comes into play here. As it always does.
Frankly it's just a sense of being it Heart over Mind or vice versa. As I say again, we wouldn't know till we tried. :)
Lesson 2: Small things mean Big
A great friend once said to me, that the smallest things can mean so much to ourselves and to the soul.
It can just switch off the sadness that is stirring inside our hearts. It can blind every scrutiny and every doubt a person has for one single, heavenly moment.
Imagine you standing in a crowd full of wonderful and lively people. They laugh at about anything and their gestures towards you make you laugh until you squeak.
Now try to think about what you would imagine in your mind at that exact moment. What are the thoughts that run through your head and how many heaves of laughter you pull out of your chest.
For me, I feel at home. And the first things that literally pop into my head are the words "Dear God how great You are for putting such amazing people into my life. I thank you. " or, "Thank you God."
To honestly tell you dear friend, we experience this wonderful feeling almost everyday. Or at least I do. :)
Thinking about it even now makes me smile and go dizzy.
To think that these people are able to fulfill my space of glee and joy makes my heart feel at home indeed. They are the ones that enable me to escape from my haunting and sometimes depressing mind.
They are the ones that make that single happy moment for me last like what it feels like a lifetime.
It's truly amazing how happiness can do so much to ease ones pain. And indeed God our heavenly Father is at work to make sure we all have a jolly good time.
And the best thing is that it will be with the people whom you meet everyday. :) From the ones whom you just talk nonsense with, to those whom you see laughing and having fun( yes even those moments make me smile) for those you hang out with almost every night and weekend ;) ,for those whom you see every Saturday with something new instored within, and for new people you laugh with whom you just met , just for the sake of laughing.
So you see, it is evidential to think that even with a person we just met; can make us laugh a ton :)
There is a great number of moments in life where laughter plays a big role in my heart .
Countless if I were to draft it out...
Unfortunately, Explaining and expressing all of this in block letters seem unintentionally long and drawling. But in reality, in time, it just happens for a moment.
But--Combine them to many moments that happen almost everyday and you'll get a lifetime full of joyful and happy memories.
Now...I am not going to contradict myself. Nor anyone who has a different point of view. :)
Unfortunately, At most times -also- my mind never fails to drag me into a place I do not want to be in. Trust me when I say that it's the most horrible place a person could linger on.
I did not say that I don't experience a very complex and unusual , confusing mind.
In fact I go crazy just thinking about all the complicated things that go around the crevice of my head. (If you get what I mean)
Albeit... my point is, the most simplest moments in life, can help overcome or temporarily blanket the scratchy things that occur within myself.
I have yet to learn how to separate the great and fun moments before it gets poisoned by my inhabitual self- inflicting thoughts.
Ah but... for those great moments, for those moments where I just feel like I'm wrapped in a haven, I thank you, for the people and those moments, but prominently, I thank God.
Thank you to the people also, who taught me how to stop and smell the roses, to seep in every beautiful and outrageously fantastic yet simple moments, to know that I can always grab hold onto those memories whenever I drop into a dark abyss.
Thank you to the one also, who taught me how to keep my memories intact, and how to start reliving every happy moment; shared between two or more individuals.
Yes, you taught me all of that, and I miss you for that. You initiated the lesson, and with All the lessons you taught me, I miss you Solely for that.
Lesson one and two...
Lessons taught,
Lesson preached,
Lessons that take,
A soul to teach.
Lessons told,
Lessons shared,
Lessons for you and I,
Lessons not compared...
God bless and thank you for reading. :)
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▸ A short Story...Alone isn't an Option. ... ♬
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This is something I did yesterday when I was home alone.
Took me about 15minutes.
The house eerie quiet. =I
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▸ Bit by Bit Even Though Each Blow Stings ... ♬
Saturday, October 29, 2011
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Judgement leading to Fear and Diffidence
It is quite indecisive by the way people see things. There is a fine line between wanting to care, or just getting annoyed for the heck of it.
Honestly we know we can't please everyone, since everyone is different. But we can't please anyone either. Frankly it's impossible seeing that almost everyone has their own judgemental value. Alas, we wanted to feel the acceptance, even if it's by blood and sweat, we would think it's worth it.
Well no, it's not. So far what I've learned is that the only thing we can do is be at our best and take good care of ourselves. So why please?
Yes it's rhetorical. But indeed a question we/I often wonder about. Everyone is judgemental no doubt. But the level of scrutiny and judgemental value varies depending on how well the person interprets certains things/ways.
In the 21st century, stereotypes and fixed minds are quite commonly thought of. And by saying that, it can and will lead to unnecessary judgements and possibly surfacing a lot of anger.
We face it in many ways, ironically it matters not whether we trouble someone, but whether he/she wants to make it his/her issue, or not.
The human mind can only take so much as to consider various feelings and situations within a few seconds, thus, the act of seeing things in a distorted manner.
Felony and accusations are merely the major effects from such mindsets. Confrontation, anger and disgust are a whole different story.
Few...-like me- tend to overthink, overdo, over--something, due to having eyes watching your every move and being.
Hard and excrutiating at times...definitely.
But....to love another, truthfully,unconditionally, is to willingly love and accept yourself first by the grace of God, and to disperse His love to another; also by going against a culture of expectations for oneself for the reason to feel loved by another.
This leads to the fact that we become slaves to love for the lack of capability of loving oneself, thus becoming excessively dependent of needing to be fed by another being's love and acceptance.
Again it all comes down to being accepted and to feel what we yearn to feel. And learning to jump over that is never smooth sailing.
Thorns and countless rocks and shattered glass are just some of the obstacles that one faces when going through emotions not usually felt by oneself, moreover if it becomes something usual to ones life.
It leads fo fear, as a saying goes, "Why are most lives likely headed to the dumps? Because of Fear. We are afraid to come out of our comfort zone to experience things that are already pre-judged by ourselves before even having to face them. All we see is dirt, all we KNOW is dirt. And although it's dirt, at least its comfortable. "
That's life, that's the mind.
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▸ A new Side ... ♬
Monday, October 17, 2011
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A New Side
Hi all! =)
Just wanted to let y'all know that I have a new blog up dedicated to my little drabbles haha =D
Feel free to check it out ok? <3
Will update here very soon!
Thank you and God bless you~!
http://hopeliveloveforgod.blogspot.com/
My Journey Down the Brick Road.
PS:-
Sunsets are the Best <3
Taken by me, created by God.
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▸ masks ... ♬
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
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We Have Secrets, We Hide Them by Shades of Masks
~Ps: I do not own any of the pictures.I made the design, but pictures are NOT mine >< Kthxadios =3
Masks. Why are they made? Well according to Wikipedia, a mask is an aritcle normally worn on the face, typically for protection, disguise, performance or entertainment.
The word "mask" came via French masque and either Italian maschera or Spanish máscara. Possible ancestors are Latin (not classical) mascus, masca = "ghost"; Hebrew masecha= "mask"; Arabic maskharah مَسْخَرَۃٌ =jester, "man in masquerade", maskhara مَسْخَرَ = "he ridiculed, he mocked", masakhahe transformed". مَسَخَ = "
Ghost,
Jester,
Ridiculed,
Mocked
And Transformed...
These aren't my words. And these are the words that described the meaning of a mask.
So why don't I see any good in it?
Is there any optimism in wearing one?
Or is it just a joke, a form of an entertainment and a fake identity?
Maybe it's just more to it than meets the eye. But we may never know, as for me...all it does is to hide something that is not wanted to be revealed.
It's fake. It's a solution. It's a wall to something deeper. It's a protection for something unknown or something supressed of knowing.
We all wear masks. One that trully conveys our inner self and Millions that show what we are not.
Avoiding many things. Putting on a show. Everywhere I go.It's becoming quite a routine actually. And I for one don't seem to mind so much.
However I tend to feel the isolation. It's a side effect am I right? It's what I get. But I feel fine that way....some how.
I just don't want to cause anymore damage.
I put on a mask that shys myself away.
I put on a mask that is made out of hard clay,
I put on a mask from night till day,
I put on a mask that keeps in the pain,
I put on a mask that keeps me sane,
I put on a mask that matches the rain,
I put on a mask that shoves pity in the drain,
I put on a Mask,
And it's here, to stay..
-Candace
Also some poems and quotes from some of my beloved friends and from some famous sayings...
There are a many a reason,
for wearing a mask,
But only one against,
"Which one", you ask.
The truth is undoubtly,
that one reason,
Which hurts so deeply,
Like the innocent in prison.
We entered this world,
Fragile and pure,
But other musketeers defend, thus hurt,
The masquerade cant help but to allure.
Alas! the consequence,
Is more detrimental than assumed,
As the cycle repeats in sequence,
And our inner peace consumed.
Looking back to the past,
I conclude to discover,
Anger at truth never last,
Anger at lies last forever.
Therefore be yourself, i urge thee,
As truth and sincerity reign,
No doubt it is easier to flee,
But happiness, you can never gain.
~Florence Chuah
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
By Charles C. Finn
Masks...We put it on for our own sake and for the sake of others. It is no doubt a killer. A fake host of our own being. And lastly....
We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin.
~André Berthiaume, Contretemps
God bless.
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▸ god and I ... ♬
Monday, June 27, 2011
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Like the pictures? =) Took them myself at some random places ^^
It's nice to take some pictures out of no apparent reason =)
I personally like the Tinkerbell and cupcake photos =3
Anyway, I'm glad I found things to relax me, like singing and taking photos And editing most of them ^^
Makes me forget my feelings and bad thoughts for a while. :) Even if for a moment.
God knows what has been going on, weeks have already passed by so quickly and yet...so so slowly...
I don't think that makes sense at all if you ask me. XD But then again, it makes perfect sense. :)
There are so many beautiful things I see around me everyday. I just wish that people could see it too. Even if under the most unlikely circumstances.
And I always thank Abba for letting me see such beauty. Mostly, if I really had too much on my hands, I wouldn't have even taken the slightest notice of what beauty lay before me. =I
But well? God does reveal things in the most unusual ways =D Not to say that I'm complaining ^^.
Yet again, I still have my doubts. I am afraid of trying out new things again and I am afraid to receive...blessings? Sometimes,I don't even know what they are. I am unsure of whether is God trying to test me, or whether it is a temptation or whether it's a miraculous blessing.
I just don't want to make things worse and feel...what I already feel.. ='( Which is darn right confusing.
And I am so sorry to Him for that...
Sigh, anyway, whatever that lies ahead, He's gonna take the wheel and He's gonna be my pilot. <3
And when the road is all windy and bumpy again, I trust He would have bigger plans in stored.
And, I will not let my fears and anxieties, take control over me. =D
Teehee. ^^ Living a life worth living. And as I just recently learned, we were made, to worship and thank God. <3
A little poem my great friend Florence shared with me, and so I'd like to share it too. ^^
When asked to open a rose bud with our bare hands without tearing any of the petals out, it is merely impossible..And so:
"It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine."
"The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.
GOD opens this flower so easily,
But in my hands they die."
"If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then how can I have the wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?"
"So I'll trust in God for leading
Each moment of my day.
I will look to God for guidance
In each step along the way."
"The path that lies before me,
Only my Lord and Savior knows.
I'll trust God to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose."
Goodbye = God be with you :)
Labels: Abba, faith, fear, God, trust
